I Don't Think We're at School Anymore
by Ace of Aces 2.0
Summary: When a tornado hits their school, the junior class is gone in a flash of light. They find themselves in Korea, 1952, at a well known MASH unit. How will the juniors cope with the war, and how will the 4077th handle their arrival?
1. Where are we?

Hello! I got an idea for this when I was watching MASH one day, so here I am writing it. This is what I think would happen if my classmates and I got stuck in Korea. Set not too long after Colonel Potter comes, Radar is around, Frank and Margaret are still "together", and Klinger still wears dresses.

* * *

Macy dropped her books on her desk in English and watched as her friend Tawny put her books on the desk behind her. The rest of the girls came in and put their books on their desks. Sabrina and Ashley glared at Macy and sat down. This school was extremely small; the junior class consisted of 17 girls. Anyway, Macy saw Derman walked in carrying a strange contraption. Derman was always coming up with strange things that never worked, and it just must be one of those days. Derman was the teacher.

Macy heard thunder and looked outside. The sky had turned green and was sort of swirly...

Derman walked in and told the class to sit down. Macy looked out side again...

And saw a nasty tornado forming.

"Hey, Mr. Derman, I think we should get downstairs." Macy said.

Derman looked outside... and almost had a heart attack. Everyone grabbed their stuff and bolted downstairs. Macy heard the sound of a freight train before everything vanished in a flash of light.

* * *

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, a.k.a. Hawkeye, walked into the radio room and saw several girls getting up from the ground in front of the O.R. door, most carrying assorted bags, backpacks, and books. They looked young, too young, and didn't even look like they were part of the army.

"What the hell!" Hawkeye yelled.

They swirled around and a brunette crowded them behind her and looked ready to defend them and her at a moment's notice.

Colonel Potter ran in and said, "What in the name of southern hell is going on here!"

The girl who had the rest behind her started muttering. "Right…that colonel has a pistol…start backing up slowly and go out the door behind us."

The rest of the girls nodded in assent and started backing up.

"Colonel, could you put that gun somewhere invisible or extraordinarily visible? They think we're going to shoot them." Hawkeye said.

Potter took the gun out of its holster and set it on the table. Radar ran in. He saw the girls. "Who put in an order for females?"

"Knock it off, Radar; they're probably as confused as we are." Potter said.

"You don't even know the half of it. Mind telling us where the hell we are?" the girl said.

"Now, calm down, ma'am, you're in Korea."

"Date?"

"November 12, 1952."

The whole group seemed surprised. "We're in the fifties!?" they chorused.

"Why, where'd you come from?" Hawkeye said.

"It was April 2008 where we were." The girl said. "Name's Macy, by the way. But if you call me that, I probably won't respond. I use Scorch."

"Okay, Scorch, what's the last thing you remember?"

"Sitting down in English class, and then there was that…thing…" Scorch paused. "Damn! That stupid contraption of Derman's! It must have sent us here."

Frank came in. "It worked!"

"Frank, what worked?" Hawkeye said.

"I built a little something and made it work! That must be why they're here!"

Klinger came in holding something smoking. "Sorry, Major, but it blew up pretty bad. Do you remember how you built it?" He saw the new arrivals. "Holy Toledo! Who are they?"

"I tell you what…" Scorch walked over to the blown heap. "That looks just like…"

"Derman's thing!" another girl came to inspect it.

"Yeah! Tawny, that thing must have brought us here! Derman's sent us, but this thing brought us!"

"Right, so how do we get back?" Tawny replied.

"Frank's gonna have to fix that thing." Hawkeye said.

"Girls, I'm sorry, but you might be stuck here for a while." Potter said. "Let's get some introductions going. We already know that you're Scorch and you're Tawny, but who are the rest of you?"

"Christine, call me Tina." An Asian girl said.

"Why do you look strangely native?" Hawkeye asked.

"She's Vietnamese." Scorch said. "As for the rest of them…"

"Beatrice."

"Angela. Call me Angel."

"Dierdra."

"Sabrina."

"Better known as Little Rock." Scorch said.

"Shut up! You're just so immature!"

"And you're any better?"

"Anyway, I'm Paige, but I go by Bookie."

"Cam, Smile."

"Amanda."

"Ashley."

"Renee."

"Samantha, but I go by Sam."

"Moanna, I go by Moe."

"Jordan."

"Jessica, but I go by Ned."

"Mandalyn, Mandy for short."

"Right, Radar, get on the P.A. and-" Potter started.

"Call an assembly. Sir yes sir." Radar finished.

"Right, we also need to sort out housing."

"Sir, we got a bunch of extra tents in the last supply shipment. It was a mistake, but who cares?" Klinger said. "I'll get some Corpsmen to help me set them up."

"Good call, Klinger. How many we got?"

"Five, sir."

"And beds?"

"We got plenty of those."

"Right. You'll draw straws. There will be five different sizes, three each of four sizes and four of two."

Radar said, "Uh, sir, we don't have any straws."  
"What do we have?"

"Tongue depressors, sir."

"That'll do, Radar."

Radar ran into Post-op and returned with the tongue depressors already cut and all at the same height. Scorch drew first and waited for Tawny. Tawny drew. Hers was the same size as Scorch's. Sabrina drew next and held hers to Scorch's.

It matched.

"What!" Scorch said.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Tawny said.

"So not fair…" Sabrina said.

"Oh, great. I smell a rivalry." Hawkeye said.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Bookie said.

"It's Pierce, but okay."

"What is your name? We haven't figured it out yet." Scorch said.

"Captain B.F. Pierce, call me Hawkeye."

Everyone else drew. Beatrice was with Amanda and Ned and Bookie; Sam was with Angel and Dierdra; Moe was with Mandy and Ashley and Jordan; Renee was with Smile and Tina. They walked out and started the assembly.

* * *

Well, that's all for now. Tell me what you think. For future reference, I usually refer to a character by their nickname in dialogue, so yes, the juniors are all female, some, like Ned, just have strange nicknames. Flames will be given to my characters to warm themselves in cold Korean winters.

R&R!


	2. Settling in

Hi, it's me again. Things pick up a little more in this chapter, the last one was more of an introduction than anything. Also...

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own MASH. I wish I did.**

* * *

Everyone was introduced, tents were put up, and beds, chairs, desks, and a few shelves were moved in. Scorch, having received fatigues to blend in like everyone else, put her stuff on her cot. Their stuff had been taken with them, so Scorch had her backpack, Phys Ed bag, and a quite a few pictures and books.

"Homey." Tawny said behind her.

"Yeah." Scorch replied.

Sabrina pushed them in and Scorch put a foot in her way to trip her. It worked. Sabrina glared at her.

"Oops, did I do that? Silly me." Scorch said.

"Scorch, the mouth runneth and the feet trippeth." Tawny said.

Scorch set up her stuff and put her books on the bookshelf. She pulled her bathrobe out of her PE bag and hung it on a nearby nail. Tawny did the same and so did Sabrina. B.J., whom they had been introduced to earlier, knocked.

"Come in." Scorch said while looking at a sock and throwing it onto the stove.

B.J. walked in and saw the sock. "Nice. At the rate you're going this will soon be a female version of the Swamp."

"Maybe we'll call it the Swampette." Scorch said.

"Or we could call it the Quagmire." Tawny said.

"Too long. The Marsh?" B.J. offered.

"Marsh. I like Marsh." Scorch said.

"Me too." Tawny said.

"No way, we are not calling this the Marsh!" Sabrina yelled.

"Who said you had a say in this christening?" Scorch said. "The Marsh it is."

"Anyway, Colonel Potter told me to tell you the way around camp and give you a quick tour." B.J. said.

Scorch and Tawny got up. "You comin', Sabrina?"

"I'll get a tour from Major Houlihan later." Sabrina sneered.

"Alright…don't get lost on your way out the door." Scorch said. The three walked outside.

"And right over there is the latrine. They're marked, don't worry." B.J. pointed as the door closed. "What's the deal between you two and Sabrina?"

"It's mostly me." Scorch said. "I am to Sabrina as Hawkeye is to Frank. Tawny is to Sabrina as you are to Frank."

"And you are to Taylor as Hawkeye is to me?" B.J. said.

"That about sums it up." Tawny said.

"Speaking of sums… I wonder what I made on my math test before we came here." Scorch said while thinking.

"Anyway, right over there is the cesspool, there is the mess tent, there is O.R., Post-op, Pre-op, Potter's office, outer office, there is the Swamp, there is Major Houlihan's tent, there is…" B.J. listed off locations as they came by. Scorch took mental notes and they ran into Frank, who was giving Tina a hard time.

"Is there a problem here?" Scorch demanded, her voice icy enough to freeze over hell.

"No there isn't. I was just asking her questions to see if she was a Communist or not." Frank tried in vain to defend himself.

"Frank, that's my _Vietnamese_ friend you're giving hell to- not a Chinese soldier. Her family ran away from Vietnam to get away from Communism, so you better not be acting racial or I may consider getting mad."

"She's not mad already?" B.J. asked Tawny.

"No, this is 'feathers ruffled slightly'." Tawny replied.

"Oh, this is the sarcastic stage of her anger, I get it."

"Leave her alone, Frank." Scorch said while taking Tina by the arm and leading her away, B.J. and Tawny following. "If that idiot tries to bother you again, just find me or any of the other sophomores, okay? Just don't seek out Sabrina. She won't help you."

"Yeah, why was he bothering me?" Tina asked.

"That's Burns for you." B.J. said.

Tina went to find Smile and left the other three by the mess tent. Deciding they were hungry, they walked in to find Hawkeye and Colonel Potter sitting at the table by the door. B.J. sat down with them and Scorch and Tawny got some food. Then they sat down too. Father Mulcahy came and sat by Colonel Potter. Frank came in and sat by Mulcahy. Major Houlihan sat down by Frank. Sabrina came in with what Scorch called "her loyal cohorts", who were Jordan and Mandy. They got food and sat down by Major Houlihan.

"You know something? I always preferred that my potatoes stop squirming before I eat them." Scorch said while staring at the mush.

"At least yours didn't growl at you." Tawny said.

"My first set of potatoes got up from my tray and ran off." B.J. said.

"Nice. What are these peas, small pebbles?" Hawkeye said.

"There's five maggots in my bread today." Radar said while inspecting his bread.

Ace warily checked hers. "I don't think I have any…"

"Looks like zero here, too." Tawny said.

Scorch cast a glance at Sabrina who was simply staring at her potatoes. "Squeamish?" She asked.

"I'm not squeamish; I'm just making sure I'm not allergic!" Sabrina snapped before shoving a forkful in her mouth.

"Did she just-?" Hawkeye asked.

"Yeah, I think so…" Scorch replied.

B.J. shuddered. "Scary. She'll probably retch it up later."

"Remind me not to be around…" Tawny said.

Sabrina just sneered. Hawkeye looked from her to Scorch, who had happily ignored it. "Scorch?" He asked.

"Yeah?"

"She just sneered at you, are you gonna take that?"

"No."

"But you just ignored it."

"I know."

Scorch saw Sabrina turn back to her food. Scorch took her fork, put a pea on it, pulled the top back, and watched the pea fly into Sabrina's hair.

Sabrina looked up to see something else coming at her- a forkful of potatoes, courtesy of Scorch.

"SCORCH!!" Sabrina yelled.

"Hang on, the potatoes were my idea! Don't give her all the credit!" Hawkeye said.

"PIERCE!! SCORCH!!" she yelled again.

Hawkeye, Scorch, B.J. and Tawny instantly bolted from the table and out of the mess tent, Sabrina and Margaret at their heels.

"Where to?" Scorch asked.

"The Swamp, and step on it!" Hawkeye yelled.

The four ran into the Swamp and locked the door behind them.

Sabrina ran right into the door and Margaret had the sense to stop. Sabrina picked herself up off the floor as everyone inside the Swamp laughed.

"Open up, Pierce, and that's an order!" Margaret yelled.

"Two captains outranks one major!" B.J. said from inside.

"Well then, I hereby make Sabrian an honorary major. Mandy and Jordan will be honorary lieutenants. Now two majors outrank two captains."

"Then we hereby make Scorch and Tawny honorary captains. Four captains outrank two majors!" Hawkeye said.

"Pierce, you animal!" Margaret yelled.

The four waited until Margaret and Sabrina left before cautiously climbing out of the Swamp and sneaking into Post-Op.

"She'll never look for us in here." Hawkeye said.

"Yeah, but Frank will!" Scorch said while pointing to said ferret.

"What are you doing in here?" Frank snapped at them.

"These two were just showing us around, Frank. Calm down." Tawny said.

"Well, you guys are acting suspicious! I'll have to report you."

"Frank, honestly, I just let us pass." B.J. said.

"In a minute."

"Frank, I don't want to use violence, especially in front of children." Hawkeye said.

"Please. I'm the youngest and I'm sixteen." Scorch said.  
"Oh. Well, who cares, then?"

"Pierce! Oh, and it's good that you two are here." Potter came in. "I need to talk to you."

B.J., Scorch, Tawny, and Hawkeye followed Potter into his office and the door shut behind them.

"Alright, no offense to you girls, but you do need to help around the camp some. We can't have any more deadweight around than we carry already. Is there anything you guys might be able to do?" Potter asked Scorch and Tawny.

"I'd like to think we could cook better than whoever passes for a cook here. Smile is a pretty good cook." Tawny said.

"Tina's not too bad either. If those two can cook, maybe the rest of us can get a major crash course in nursing. Changing linens, general care, instruments, stuff like that we could help with." Scorch said. "We'd just have to be taught how."

"Those are the basic things of nursing, we could teach them those easily." Hawkeye said.

"They could get good at it, too." B.J. said.

"That could work. Let's get Margaret and our chief surgeon on it." Potter replied.

"Colonel, I'm our chief surgeon." Hawkeye said.

"Then get Margaret and work out a game plan."

"Margaret doesn't like me."

"Look at it this way, either you can do it, and they will actually be useful, efficient, not to mention they'll pay attention, or Frank can teach them and they'll be as bad as he is."

"Help us!" Scorch pleaded.

"Frank teaching? That sounds as bad as Derman!" Tawny said.

"Derman? That guy who built that thing that sent you here? How bad a teacher is he?" Potter asked.

"Horrible." Tawny and Scorch chorused.

"Plus, Hawk, we wouldn't want them working like Frank does." B.J. said. "One bad surgeon is enough but we don't want seventeen bad nurses!"

"Okay, okay! You've convinced me, I'll do it." Hawkeye said. "But how do I get it past Margaret?"

"She'll accept, don't worry. Take these two with you. They're very good at subtle persuasion." Potter said. "Especially Scorch with the way she rounded off Burns earlier."

"You saw that?" B.J. asked.

"Subtlety was never my strong point…" Scorch trailed.

"Yes, but I doubt he'll bother Tina again."

"Good point…"

"Okay, I'll do it. Let's begin our walk of death." Hawkeye said.

The four headed over to Houlihan's tent and cautiously knocked on the door.

"Come in."

They walked in and explained their plan.

"I'd be happy to help! Especially on Colonel Potter's orders." Margaret said.

"We'll start lessons tomorrow."

"Hawk, Margaret, brace yourselves. We are a very talkative, not to mention terrifying, group of juniors. We will scare you, make you laugh, and make you proud at the same time." Scorch said.

* * *

Well, there's the end of that. I'll update once I get through my Spanish final.


	3. First OR and the Still Breakin

Hey, I'm back, and out of school! Go me! I did pretty well on all of my finals, except Spanish, but at least I didn't fail the final. My teacher told me I was exempt, but the day before the final, she tells me I'm not. Yeah, talk about cramming... anywho, here is the next chapter! Enjoy!

* * *

The juniors met in O.R. for their first nursing class about three hours later. They were introduced to the routine of O.R. and a few of the instruments, how to work the anesthesia and got started on body parts. They were quizzed over it later and everyone remembered everything in time for…

"Incoming wounded! Get yours while they last!"

"Let's get started! Okay, you girls start getting things ready. We'll be getting some wounded in here in about fifteen minutes. Get instruments sterilized, get trays ready, and get sponges together." Margaret said.

"Right, let's get moving, people!" Bookie said. Scorch, Tawny, and a few others ran for a quick scrub and re-entered the O.R. a few minutes later.

Scorch started prepping trays. "Tawny, I'm missing some clamps. Where are they?"

"Sterilizing. Here's a few; how many are you missing?"

"About four. Come on, pick it up! We've got maybe about seven minutes till the wounded start coming in here!" Scorch yelled to the juniors in general. "Tawny, I'm still missing some hemostats. Where are they?"

"Here!" Angel appeared with some hemostats and Scorch set them up.

"Get these trays up to the tables!" She yelled to anyone with free hands. "Jessica! You scrubbed? Good! Get some sutures going." Scorch grabbed some sponges and started dividing them among the trays in O.R. B.J., Frank, and Colonel Potter came in, scrubbed and ready to go. Corpsmen started bringing in patients; operating began.

Scorch saw Smile look at the patients with a cross between horror and pity on her face. "Smile? Cam? You okay?"

Smile shook her head. "It's horrible."

"A lot of war is, but these men need people with clear heads. You need to focus. You can mourn over everything later. Okay?" Scorch verbally prodded Smile. "If you keep your mind on your work, it won't seem so bad. I swear."

Smile nodded and resumed getting blood. Scorch grabbed some sponges and ran to Potter's table. She placed some on the table and continued handing them out. Patients come in, patients went out, and energy among the staff was lost. One patient was placed on B.J.'s table, and then decided that he didn't want to be put under.

"I don't wanna! What if I don't wake up!"

Tawny ran over and tried to help Nurse Able to get him under, and Scorch could only look from her position as a gasser. Jessica came to help Tawny and Able, and Smile tried to talk him down while someone yelled for a Corpsman.

"What's your name?" Smile asked.

"Corporal Smith."

"Well, Corporal Smith, are you in pain?"

"Hell yes!"

"Well, if you want that pain to stop, you're gonna have to go to sleep."

"What if I don't wake up?"

"You will."

"Promise?"

"I promise, Smith."

Smith finally calmed down enough for Nurse Bigelow to slip the mask over his mouth. His eyes closed, and he was under.

"Smile, I'm nominating you for motivational/inspirational speaker of the year." Scorch said.

"I'm shaking like crazy." Smile replied.

"Go take five, Cam." Potter said. "You deserve it."

Smile left the O.R. and things continued as normally as they could possibly be. Seventeen hours of surgery later, everyone was tired and wanted nothing more than to go to sleep on a nice, comfortable bed. Scorch was leaning on a post outside of O.R. and Tawny poked her. Scorch opened one eye and said, "Go away, can't you see I'm dead?"

"Well then, zombie, it's only around three in the afternoon and I'm starving. I'm gonna get food then turn in. Wanna come with?"

"Hell, why not?" Scorch pushed off of her lean and then leaned on Tawny. "Lead the way."

"Come on, get off." Tawny pushed Scorch off and they both were walking to the mess tent until…

"Is that Angel and Dierdra in the Swamp?" Tawny asked.

Scorch picked her head up to look. "Yeah, it is. I wonder-"

"THE HILLS ARE ALIIIIIIIIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUUUUSSSIICCCC….."

"What's their problem?" Scorch asked, trying to regain her hearing.

"I dunno… let's go get them out of there before they blow my hearing, too." Tawny said. The two walked into the Swamp to find Hawkeye and B.J. staring at the two from their cots, Frank gibbering as usual, and Angel and Dierdra with two martini glasses in their hands, dancing around.

"What…is that?" Scorch managed words while pointing at the still.

"That, my friends, is the Mill Spring of Life, also known as the still." Hawkeye said. "I think they sneaked in and drank from it while we were asleep."

"And had a little too much." B.J. added.

"Alcoholically, I assume." Scorch ran to try and restrain Angel while Tawny did the same with Dierdra.

"Yeah."

"Come on you two," Tawny grabbed Dierdra.

"Ta-Tawny?" Dierdra said. "Have you seen the forks?"

"They're probably with the spoons, Dierdra."

"Y-yeah, creating spo -sporks of DOOM."

"Dierdra, you're drunk."

"No I isn't."

Tawny sighed. She and Scorch dragged Dierdra and Angel out of the Swamp and dragged the two into their tent. Sam looked up from her pillow and saw them. She pulled herself out of her bunk and said, "What happened?"

"They had too much to drink." Scorch said.

Scorch and Tawny left the two in Sam's care and headed for the mess tent. They got some food and sat down. Scorch grabbed some salt and started attempting to add some flavor to the mush that was called potatoes.

"I think my creamed corn just growled at me again." Tawny said.

"It must not like you." Scorch replied.

"What's not to like?"

"Hang on, I'm gonna try to avoid your enlarged head."

Tawny whacked Scorch. "Oi! What was that for?" Scorch asked.

* * *

"RISE AND SHINE, CAPTAINS!"

Scorch cracked an eye open and glared at Sabrina. She sat up and said, "Sabrina, if you're gonna be awake, leave the rest of us asleep."

"Up, and that's an order."

"No."

"You dare ignore a direct order?"

"Yes." Scorch laid back down and pulled her blanket over her head. Sabrina tried again.

"Up!"

"Sabrina, go back to sleep." Tawny mumbled into her pillow.

"Get up."

"No." Scorch said.

"Now! That's an order!"

Scorch, tolerance and patience worn thin, sat up. "Will it get you to shut up?"

"Yes."

"Fine." Scorch pulled herself out of bed and threw her pillow at Tawny. She jumped. "Whattahuh?"

"Get up, Tawn."

"Do I have to?"

"Get up before I throw something heavier at you."

"Like what?"

"Like my footlocker. Or that dictionary that Derman always made us carry around."

"That big collegiate one?"

"Yes."

"Fine, fine." Tawny grumbled and pulled herself out of bed.

The two got dressed and walked out of the Marsh. Scorch made a mental note to get Amanda to paint a sign on the door later. She was the artsy one of the group. Scorch and Tawny walked into the mess tent and got their food before sitting at the table by the door.

"What's this?" Scorch asked while poking her oatmeal.

"I think it's supposed to be oatmeal." Tawny said while putting a forkful into her mouth. She made a face and Scorch laughed.

"I warned ya."

"This stuff is almost as bad as cafeteria food."

"No kidding." Scorch fought with her toast as she tried to bite into it. Tawny plucked it from her mouth and cut it in half with her knife before handing it back to Scorch.

"There. Now you can swallow it whole with that big mouth of yours."

"Heh heh, you're funny."

"No, Ned, I did not, repeat, did not steal your socks! It was Amanda!"

"Yeah, right, Bookster, my socks just happened to make their way onto your feet! You know I can tell, they're hiked halfway up your ankles! Only I have feet that big!"

Ned and Bookie came into the mess tent yelling. Scorch and Tawny stopped eating to observe.

"Hey, you two okay?" Tawny voiced everyone's thoughts.

"She stole my socks!"

"Did not, these are my brother's!"

"Okay, okay, we get it." Scorch held up her hands in front of her. "Ned, don't you usually draw all over your socks?"

"Yes, so I know when someone else is wearing them!" Ned glared at Bookie.

"For the last damn time, I did not steal your socks!"

"Oh boy… we've got some work to do." Tawny cast a glance at Scorch, who nodded.

"Time to play peacemakers."

* * *

And there it is! Stay tuned for the next chapter- There Is No Privacy in the Army

Review!

P.S. For a little more info on Scorch and Tawny, see my profile. You may have to dig around for it, but they're in there somewhere...


	4. There Is No Privacy in the Army

Hello, I'm back! Many thanks to Corka, a wonderful reviewer, and to all those who added this story to their alert list. Without further adieu, here is the next installment of I Don't Think We're at School Anymore...

* * *

Scorch found Bookie later and said, "Hey, you smoothed things out between you and Ned?"

"These are my brother's socks! I couldn't find any of my own the morning we were taken, so I borrowed some of his."

"Great…" Scorch shook her head. "And you told Ned this?"

"I tried, but the irrational mind that she is interrupted me before I could even start."

"Wonderful." Scorch said. "Why do your socks look like they've been drawn all over then?"

"They came like this."

"Oh. Well, you two need to kiss and make up, we already have one tent war going on, and we don't need another."

"Tell her that!"

"Aye aye aye…" Scorch left Bookie by her tent and ran into Amanda. "Hey Amanda. Would you do me a favor?"

"What is it?"

"Paint something on our door. Find me later for details. We've named our tent and want the war to know it."

"Named your tent? What'd you name it?"

"The Marsh."

"Naming our tents…that's a good idea!" Amanda ran off and Scorch sighed and shook her head.

"What have I started?"

* * *

Scorch found Tawny later. "What'd Ned say?"

"She was being too irrational to listen to me. What about Bookie?"

"She just wants Ned to see sense instead of red."

"If Ned's socks are missing, then that means that someone else is taking them. We need to find that someone else."

"Hey Scorch, Tawny." B.J. and Hawkeye wandered over.

"Just a hunch, but you two have the expressions of people who are planning something. What is it?"

"Ned and Bookie are arguing over the fact that someone took Ned's socks and she thinks it was Bookie but it really wasn't so now we're trying to catch who it is." Tawny said in one breath.

Scorch stared. "What she said."

"Does she come with subtitles?" Hawkeye blinked.

"Sometimes I wish she did." Scorch replied.

"What's your plan?" B.J. asked.

"Uh…we don't have one yet. You found us before we could make a plan." Tawny replied.

"We'll help you. We do this stuff for a living. Being a doctor is just a side job."

"Great. Let's get started…"

* * *

Scorch and Tawny sneaked behind Ned, Bookie, Beatrice, and Amanda's tent later. Scorch took out her pocketknife and cut a small slit into the material so she and Tawny could take turns spying on the tent.

Within five minutes, they had a culprit. Ashley. _Figures_, Scorch thought. "Tawny?"

"ZZZZZZZ…."

"Tawny, wake up!" Scorch hissed furiously, whacking Tawny.

"Huh?"

"It's Ashley. She's the sock stealer."

"Okay…" Tawny closed her eyes again.

"You can sleep later, you lazy bag of bones."

"Lazy I am not!"

"And they say I'm egotistical."

"I am-"

"Okay, Tawny. You're not. When we go back to the Marsh, remind me to look under my bed for winged monkeys, okay?"

Tawny whacked Scorch. Scorch just gave her best smirky grin and Tawny glowered for a minute before getting up. "Okay, we know it's Ashley. Now what?"

"You tell me if you're the master."

"We could frame Ashley, although, I guess it wouldn't be framing since she's actually doing it but…"

"Tawny?"

"What?"

"Your stream of consciousness sunk your boat again."

"What do you mean, again?"

"Never mind. Come on, I've got an idea…"

"What is it?"

"We fill Ashley's boots with cotton and say she's upped a foot size. Then we crack something like 'I guess you'll be needing Ned's socks more than ever now' or something like that."

"Sure, but can we change the joke?"

Scorch rolled her eyes before sewing up the hole in the tent and grabbing Tawny. She pulled Tawny along with her out of their hiding spot and found Hawkeye and B.J.

"Did you two figure out who it was?" Hawkeye asked.

"Yeah. Ashley." Scorch rolled her eyes. "Figures. She's that type of person."

"Okay, have you figured out what you're gonna do to make her fess up?" B.J. asked.

"We push cotton into the toes of her boots and say that now she's gonna need Ned's socks more than ever." Tawny said.

"And you said you didn't like that joke." Scorch said to Tawny.

Tawny merely stuck her tongue out at Scorch who lightly kicked the back of Tawny's knees. Tawny fell slightly and glared at Scorch. Scorch just grinned innocently.

"We need you two to keep everyone out of their tent while we slip the cotton in." Tawny said, recovering.

"When?" Hawkeye said.

"Now."

* * *

Scorch and Tawny peeked into Ashley's tent. They pulled her boots out of her footlocker and began stuffing in the cotton. They heard two knocks. Ashley as coming out of the shower. They started shoveling it in faster and slinked out the door.

Ashley walked into her tent. She pulled on her clothes and a pair of Ned's socks. Scorch, Tawny, Bookie, and Ned knocked on her door.

"Come in."

The four walked in as Ashley pulled on her boots. They were hurting her feet. "Ouch!"

"What's wrong, Ashley?" Scorch asked.

"My shoes won't fit!"

"I guess you'll really be needing Ned's socks now." Tawny said.

Ashley seemed astonished and guilty. "How did…"

"Oh, we spied on the tent while you had your rummage." Scorch said. Ned and Bookie seemed enraged.

"I'm sure you three will figure out a solution to all of this…" Tawny and Scorch slipped out of the tent and ran off. The deed was done.

Suddenly Ashley ran by, Ned and Bookie at her heels. Scorch and Tawny high-fived. The deed was done, and the desired reaction was achieved.

* * *

Amanda ran up to Scorch as she was walking back from her rounds as an interning nurse. "Scorch!"

"Yeah, Amanda?"

"I found a good name four our tent!"

Scorch hid her exasperation and said, "Really? What is it?"

"The VBP! Stands for Volleyball Players tent! Since everyone in my tent is a volleyball player…"

"Scorch! Scorch!" Moe ran up to Scorch.

"Yes, Moe?"

"I found a good name for ours!"

"What is it, Moe?"

"The Chicks!"

"Scorch! Scorch!" Renee ran up to her this time. "I want to name our tent the Smiles!"

"That's good Renee, can I please get to my tent!" Scorch said to all three of them.

"Scorch! Scorch!" Scorch heard Sam's voice.

"AAHH!!"

* * *

Just for further reference, Sam's tent is named the Band now... all three of them want to start a band, yeah.

Till Next Time! (Which will be soon)

P.S. Review, people! I will give you cookies! If I don't blow up the stove making them...


	5. Scorch's Storytelling Isn't the Best

Hey, I'm back. This chapter was based off of "The Kids" MASH episode. I will be using some episodes for inspiration, depending on my personal favorites and maybe if a reader wants a particular episode done. This chapter is a little longer than normal, and kind of a filler, but still hopefully funny. Read on!

* * *

Scorch walked out of O.R. the next day and cracked her back. She pulled off her mask, gloves, and gown and grabbed a waiting cup of coffee. She sat of the bench. Tawny sat down beside her.

"Wake up." Tawny said into Scorch's ear.

"Leave it, Tawn." Scorch replied before standing to put her mug back. Hawkeye, B.J., Colonel Potter, Frank, and Margaret walked out of O.R. Hawkeye sat down where Scorch had been earlier, but Scorch was too tired to argue and just leaned on the wall. She was too tired to hear what they were saying until she heard Frank say, "I could sleep for a week."

"Frank, you promised to do my toenails!" Margaret hissed furiously.

"Tickatock." Frank made a strange hand motion to accompany a strange word while Colonel Potter glanced at Hawkeye. "Does he really do her toenails?"

"His father was a world famous manicurist." Hawkeye replied, eliciting a chuckle from Colonel Potter.

Tawny shook her head and rolled her eyes at Frank's comment and Scorch just put her head back on her arm. Sabrina came in.

"Walls are not for leaning." Sabrina said to Scorch.

"No, they're for running into or slamming people into. Go away, Little Rock."

Radar came running in. "Colonel Potter! We got a radio message from Nurse Cratty."

"What's a Nurse Cratty?" B.J., Scorch, and Tawny chorused.

"Meg Cratty. Runs a civilian orphanage about thirty miles north of here." Hawkeye said.

"Uh, sir, she says they're being shelled, and they've gotta evacuate." Radar added.

"Good Lord. All those children." Colonel Potter said.

"Happened last year, too. They bunked with us." Hawkeye replied.

"Some of the kids are sick, and she's got a pregnant woman who's gonna have a baby." Radar kept going.

"Oh, no, are we gonna have to go through all of that again? They steal!"

Scorch looked up. "Thieves don't steal, Frank. They borrow."

"Last year, they took a roll of my best toilet paper." Frank gibbered.

"They just wanted to look at the pictures!" Hawkeye was officially tired of Frank's attitude.

Colonel Potter chuckled again. "Let's get cuttin'. Major, break out the extra cots, pillows, blankets, whatever we need." Margaret nodded in reply.

"Yes sir. Corporal, I'll need a detail." Margaret said to Radar. She started walking through O.R., shouting orders. Scorch and Tawny went to their tent to make a bit of extra room.

"Tawny, help me move this." Scorch pointed to a set of cubbyholes. "Let's get it closer to your bunk and then we have a big area in here."

They moved it and ran to the supply room. "How many do you think we can fit?" Scorch asked.

"Two or three." Tawny replied.

"Grab that one. I'll get these two."

Everyone was busy running around until Tawny heard a vehicle in the compound. "They're here!"

The two ran out of the Marsh with its new blue and white sign that Amanda had made, and saw a truck pull in with several children in the back of it. Scorch climbed into the truck. Scorch heard Hawkeye introduce B.J., then Tawny.

"Hey, Tawny, where's Scorch?"

"Here!" Scorch picked up an orphan and gently took the hand of another. She handed the orphan in her arms to Tawny and picked up another one. Then Scorch picked up the other orphan and stepped out of the truck.

"Radar told me the story of how you girls got here while he had me on the radio." Meg said, greeting them.

"Yeah, it's been a strange week. I think we're faring okay though… but the beds leave something to be desired." Scorch said as both orphans leaned on her shoulders. She took them into the mess tent where everyone was taking care of the orphans they had gotten out of the truck.

Tawny followed. "Do we know their names?"

Scorch saw Meg wandering over. "Nurse Cratty, what are their names?"

"Well, the ones you have are Chi-Yong; the little girl Tawny has is Hye-Jung. The other little boy is Hwan-Suk."

"Thanks." Tawn said. "So what's it like, running an orphanage?"

"Well, I try to teach the children English so they can communicate with Americans. Supplies are sometimes thin, but I can usually get some from here." Meg said.

Scorch looked Chi-Yong and Hwan-Suk over. They both had several scratches. "Tawny, how's Hye-Jung?"

"She's got some scratches, but otherwise fine."

"Let's get these scratches taken care of."

Scorch sat her charges down and Frank came around with the shots. Scorch distracted her two as Frank gave them the injection. Once he was done, she took them over to where Hawkeye was trying to get a kid to open his mouth. The kid was doing tricks with his tongue. Hawkeye was trying to imitate him.

"Hawkeye…" Scorch said. "You're being weird…"

He snapped out of it. "Huh? Oh right. Say ah."

Scorch and Tawny then took their little charges and left Hawkeye to keep imitating the Korean child. They took them over to some food while getting some stuff to clean their scratches and their bodies.

"Come on, the food's not that bad." Tawny tried to convince Hye-Jung to eat. Scorch opened her mouth. Hye-Jung imitated her. She closed it. Hye-Jung did too. Tawny put the spoon in Hye-Jung's mouth when Scorch opened her moth again, and then she closed it, Hye-Jung imitating her the whole way.

Hye-Jung started eating. Scorch convinced Chi-Yong and Hwan-Suk to eat as well. She laughed as Chi-Yong got a little bit of food on his face and she wiped it off.

Later, Tawny and Scorch took the three into their tent and laid them down on a cot. "Let's tell them a story." Tawny suggested.

"Good idea. Do you know any?" Scorch replied.

"Uh…"

"Right. I don't know any either."

"Not that that's a problem…" Tawny gestured towards the children. They were out cold.

Scorch and Tawny climbed into bed.

* * *

"Incoming casualties." The P.A. blared. "All medical teams on standby."

Scorch pulled herself out of bed. She chunked her pillow at Tawny again, who in turn chunked it at Sabrina. "Wake up!"

The three left the kids asleep and crept out of the tent. Scorch scrubbed up with Tawny and got the needed things on.

First thing they saw when they walked into O.R. was B.J. with a pregnant woman on the table.

"Good God, what happened here?" Scorch asked.

"The pregnant woman Meg was talking about was shot." B.J. replied.

"Ouch. That's not good. How are they?" Tawny asked.

"They're okay, right now, but they could have done without being shot."

"Yeah." Scorch started prepping trays with Tawny as a bunch of other juniors came in and started prepping for more meatball surgery.

Tawny yawned. "I always liked getting seven to ten hours of sleep."

"We went to bed at ten at night and you're complaining after six and a half hours of sleep?"

"Not quite seven…"

"Get a coffee."

"No way- that stuff's not coffee, it's battery acid."

"Keeps you awake."

"You look like you need some yourself."

"I'll live- with this bunch of classmates and the load of homework we were getting, I was permanently tired. I've been getting more sleep here than I ever did in my hectic home life."

"Yeah, with your dad in the CIA and your mom on business trips a lot, you're woman of the house for your little bro and sis."

"Add babysitting on top of homework and a strangled social life… and I thought sophomore year was bad."

"That was bad. At least everyone is relatively getting along now."

"Minus Little R and Ash, not to mention Little R's cohorts."

"They're a different story."

"Forget a different story, they're in a different library."

"I wonder how everyone's doing, back in our own time zone…"

"There's this British TV show called Doctor Who. I watched it one day when I was sick at home, and I actually learned something from television."

"Like what?"

"Like if that weirdo thing can pluck us out and put us here, it can put us back so no one will have ever noticed that we were gone."

"A tornado hit the school, and suddenly we're not in Texas anymore. I doubt it's as simple as that."

"You'd be surprised. If you don't want coffee, can you get me one at least?"

"Aw, I'm sterile. I'll have to scrub again."

Renee walked in at that moment, not quite scrubbed yet.

"Renee?" Tawny asked.

"Yes?" She replied.

"Would you mind getting us two coffees? We'd go, but we just scrubbed."

"Of course. Anything to help." Renee skipped off.

"Somehow I feel as though we've manipulated her." Tawny scratched her head in thought.

"You know she doesn't feel like that." Scorch said. "She just wants to help, that's all."

"Yeah…"

"Come off it." Scorch nudged her. "We've got wounded coming in so you need to be focused. When you get some coffee into yourself, you'll feel better." Scorch turned back to getting instruments on their respective trays and Tawny continued to help her.

Scorch tried to tie her surgical gown but it wouldn't tie. "Tawny?"

"Yeah?"

"This gown's too big."

"Really?"

"You're the athlete, I'm the get-into-small-spaces-unnoticed. I may be strong, but I've got a waist the size of a thimble. Help me out here, will you?"

"How'd you get through the last two O.R.'s?"

"By finding a gown that fit."

"What's so different about this one?"

"It doesn't fit."

Tawny helped Scorch and Renee came with two coffees. Scorch and Tawny put gloves on and took them from her gratefully. "Renee, you're an angel." Tawny said.

"Yo!" Angel yelled from across O.R.

"Very punny!" Scorch yelled back.

"_Attention all personnel: wounded in the compound. All personnel report to stations on the double_." The P.A. said annoyingly.

"We've already reported, we're waiting for our grades!" Scorch said.

"I gave my report two days before we were taken!" Tawny added.

"Jeez, MacAmie's sure slow on grading our IPC."

"Honestly, you two, could you stop your mouths for five minutes?" Sabrina asked in her irritating voice.

"Leave it in a foxhole, Little Rock." Scorch replied.

"No kidding, whiner." Tawny added.

"That's Major to you!"

"Right, no kidding, Major Whiner." Scorch said. But before Scorch could make her life a little less stressful by removing Sabrina from consciousness, Hawkeye stepped in.

"Problem?"

"You ruined my knockout plan." Scorch said.

"Quite literally." Tawny added, pulling Scorch out of O.R. for a cool down.

Seventeen hours of meatball surgery later, everyone walked out of the compound. Scorch and Tawny were greeted by Chi-Yong, Hye-Jung, and Hwan-Suk. They grabbed Scorch and Tawny's hands in their little ones and led them to the Marsh, where they promptly sat on their cots.

"Story!" They all yelled at once.

Scorch and Tawny glanced at each other. They had been hoping to avoid this.

"You tell them one, you need the practice for Jason. I know he asks you for a story every night."

"Yeah, but usually my little brother hands me a book full of them, allowing me to choose." Scorch replied. "I don't remember any."

"Make one up!"

"Okay, okay…" Sabrina walked in and went to sleep on her cot.

"Once upon a time…" Scorch started.

"Could you be quieter?"

"Once upon a time…" Scorch ignored Sabrina. "There was a little girl who had long, blonde, curly hair…"

"I know you're talking about me."

"Actually, LR, I'm talking about Goldilocks, but okay. One day, she had been walking for a very long time when she sat down on a tuffet…" Scorch tried to remember how the story went.

"That's little Miss Muffet." Tawny interrupted.

"Anyway, this tuffet looked good to eat, and she was hungry, so she took a bite out of it. She became the size of a thumb."

"That's Thumbelina."

Scorch was making it up as she went along now. "She found a basket and thought her grandmother could help, so she picked up the basket and headed for her grandmother's house, but pulled out a red jacket with a hood because it started to rain."

"Little Red Riding Hood." Tawny interrupted again.

"But she got lost and found a golden egg…"

"Jack and the Beanstalk."

"That hatched into a golden bird. It started stealing a golden apple from a tree…"

"The Golden Bird."

"That was used to make three porridges…"

"Back at The Three Bears again."

Scorch cast a glance to the kids. They were, surprisingly, sound asleep.

"I'm surprised that worked." Scorch closed her eyes and laid down on her bunk.

"Well?" Tawny asked.

"Well what?" Scorch raised her head up from her pillow and looked at Tawny.

"How does the story end?"

"The porridges poisoned Little Rock. The end."

* * *

Scorch lifted Hye-Jung into the back of the truck and gave the little girl a hug. "Be good now, okay?"

"Okay!" Hye-Jung hugged her back.

Scorch lifted Chi-Yong and Hwan-Suk into the truck in a similar fashion and jumped out. They went to say goodbye to Nurse Cratty.

"Nice meeting you, Meg." Tawny said as Cratty hugged them both.

"If you're ever in the year 2008 and it's past April, come look us up in Texas." Scorch said.

Everyone said their routine goodbyes and the truck departed. Scorch and Tawny dismantled the cots in their tent and took them back to supply before going to the O-Club to get a drink. They were only allowed to have grape Nehi after what had happened with Dierdra and Angel, but Scorch didn't particularly care because she'd never had an alcoholic drink before in her life anyway. Her parents had adamantly refused.

Tawny appeared with two grape Nehis at their table. "I tried to get a gin… they asked for my ID."

"Told you so."

"This is Korea, there's no age limit anyway in this time zone or in this particular place!" Tawny finished her rant. "Anyway, Igor says he wants to know if we're good on our tabs."

"We will once payday hits." Scorch replied. Everyone in camp was donating eight dollars out of their pay so that the juniors would have some cash. Every one of the juniors would get around ninety dollars thanks to the two hundred camp members.

Tawny propped her feet on the table and leaned her chair back. "I'm almost homesick."

"How so?"

"There's no TV or fast-food."

"You know I hate fast-food. I only like Chick-fil-a, Burger King, Taco Bell, and Wendy's. And occasionally Dairy Queen and Jack in the Box."

"You have not tried McDonalds."

"Yes, I have, and I hated it."

"Poor deprived child." Scorch responded to this by pinching one of Tawny's shoulder nerves. "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"She's a broken record!" Hawkeye came in.

"Tell her to let me go!" Tawny pleaded.

"But she's not holding me, she's holding you."

"Come on, Scorch. She is your friend…" B.J. said from behind Hawkeye.

"Okay." Scorch let Tawny go and Tawny rubbed her shoulder.

"You're so abusive." Tawny said in mock-seriousness.

"You're not any better." Scorch replied. "I'm just more physical about it."

"And I'm not?"

"You're verbal."

"She's a gerund?" Hawkeye asked.

Scorch looked at him blankly. "Gerund…?"

"Did Derman teach you anything?" B.J. asked.

Scorch and Tawny whistled. Derman had never gotten past verbs with them, and Scorch could never remember what anything was, just how to use it properly. Tawny never paid attention.

"I'm a science and math nut, English is way out of my league." Scorch said.

"I always preferred P.E., lunch, and history." Tawny said.

"We're gonna have to get some schooling into this lot…" B.J. muttered under his breath.

Hawkeye heard him. "It's your idea, not mine. Not mine at all."

"What idea?" Scorch and Tawny chorused.

* * *

DUN DUN DUN! The juniors may have to be subject to school... or at least English. If Margaret and Hawkeye were terrified from teaching them O.R. stuff, they will be mentally scarred after this. And I'm not letting my narrator help them... Review people!


	6. Insanely Stupid Class Fun

This is going to be a very insane chapter... just advance warning. Be prepared!

* * *

"We have to WHAT?" Scorch exclaimed to Colonel Potter.

"Get a minor amount of schooling so your brains don't lose it all while you're here." Potter replied.

"Who's gonna have the guts to teach us?" Tawny asked.

"Well, since it was Hunnicutt's idea, I think he should do it."

"Colonel, I'm no good at math or any of that other stuff!" Hunnicutt said.

"I don't think we'll need any history help, though. Back at school, we were going over the Korean War." Scorch said.

"That's one we don't have to do."

"And we're reviewing chemical stuff in IPC." Tawny said. "I know you can help us with that."

"That leaves math and grammar." Potter said. "Any grammar nuts we know?"

"What is a gerund, by the way? I'm curious." Scorch asked.

"It's a verbal." Hawkeye said.

"What's a verbal?"

"Can't help you there."

"What about math?" B.J. interrupted.

"Math's easy, but I'm not teaching that lot algebra II. I went through the course once already- don't need to do it again." Scorch said.

"What math were you taking?" Potter asked.

"Advanced math." Scorch replied. "You know, algebra on steroids, pretty much."

"Yeah." Tawny said. "Back to grammar?"

"Let's focus on math for a while." Potter said. "Were you the only one in the advanced course?"

"No. Beatrice was with me."

"Can she teach?"

"A hell of a lot better than I can."

"Radar!" Potter called as Radar opened the door. "Get Beatrice in here pronto."

"Sir yes sir, I'll get Beatrice in here right away, sir." Radar chorused with Potter before disappearing out the door.

"How does he do that?" Tawny asked.

"I never got around to asking." Hawkeye replied.

"We can't leave them to teaching themselves." Potter said.

Scorch pretended not to hear. Tawny cast a worried glance at Scorch. "Scorch?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you-"

"Cute and cuddly, Tawny, cute and cuddly." Scorch muttered, class code for 'Run with it for now. Let them think we're not entirely insane.'

"_Pero estamos_." Tawny said in Spanish.

"_Sí, pero no saben lo_." Scorch replied.

"English, please?" Hawkeye said.

"Never mind. It's not important."

"Okay, Pierce, Hunnicutt, Frank, and Margaret can supervise. Especially since all of this was Hunnicutt's idea." Potter said. "It's settled, and to avoid the argument I know will commence, dismissed."

Hawkeye opened his mouth and shut it again. "Is there such a thing as karma? Cause if there is, all of my drinking and gambling is finally getting paid for."

Tawny started cackling evilly and Scorch elbowed her. "Cool it." She muttered into Tawny's ear.

"Chilled." Tawny replied with a big grin on her face.

Tawny and Scorch went back to the Marsh and sat down on their cots. "Scorch, I have a plan."

"Do tell."

"Remember that stuff we found on the internet? That insanely stupid class fun stuff?"

"Yeah, I found it."

"We should do it."

"Which ones?"

Tawny leaned in close. "All of them."

The juniors met in the mess tent between lunch and dinner for their little learning time. Math went first, and Beatrice came up. Scorch had roped the whole class into it, minus Sabrina, her cohorts, and Ashley. Dierdra started chewing on her arm. Or fake-chewing, anyway. Five minutes into the lesson, Hawkeye noticed.

"Dierdra?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you chewing on your arm?"

The whole class erupted into laughter except for the four, and Hawkeye, B.J., Frank, and Margaret merely blinked. This caused the class to laugh harder. When the laughing died down, Beatrice resumed her lesson. Frank stopped her.

"We forgot to announce roll. Amanda?"

"Chop!"

Frank looked confused but continued. "Angel?"

"Chop!"

"Ashley?"

"Uhh… here…"

"Beatrice?"

"Chop!"

"Bookie?"

"Chop!"

"Dierdra?"

"Chop!"

"Jordan?"

"Here."

"Mandy?"

"Here."

"Moe?"

"Chop!"

"Ned?"

"Chop!"

"Renee?"

"Chop!"

"Sabrina?"

"Here."

"Sam?"

"Chop!"

"Scorch?"

"Chop!"

"Smile?"

"Chop!"

"Tawny?"

"Chop!"

"Tina?"

"Chop!"

"Well, everyone is present-"

"TIMBER!!" The whole class, minus the four, fell out of their seats and onto the floor in a pack of giggles.

Frank appeared flustered and Margaret just stared. Hawkeye was trying to suppress a few snickers while B.J. chuckled a little.

"I feel sorry for whoever had to teach these kids." Margaret said to Hawkeye.

"Yeah, me too." Hawkeye responded.

Once the juniors had gotten back into their seats and settled down, Beatrice continued. Tina started licking herself like a cat. Someone noticed three minutes later.

"Why is Tina licking herself like a cat?" Margaret asked.

The class giggled again and quieted down, leaving Margaret confused. Smile raised her hand and Beatrice called on her. "Yes, Smile?"

"I'm pointing at the ceiling."

The class snickered again. Math went on normally with a few other insanities, such as Dierdra talking to a smiley face she'd drawn, everyone answering questions with the word, "salmon", and Sam acting like she was an undercover agent and refusing to answer questions.

Potter had decided to add biology along with their IPC and Frank would be teaching that. Frank started teaching, Margaret helping. A lot.

"Well, I am Major Frank Burns, and this is Major Margaret Houlihan-"

"FRESH MEAT!!" The whole class yelled as Sabrina, Mandy, and Jordan looked appalled at the misconduct.

"Yeah, uh, we will start with-"

Ned raised her hand.

"Yes Jessica?"

"What's the quadratic formula?"

"Uhh, I believe that was last class…"

Hawkeye and B.J. stepped out of the mess tent. "We have to find a way to get back at them. No doubt they're going to do that to us." B.J. said.

"Well, I have a few ideas…"

Back to the class. Frank was having problems teaching, Margaret was laughing inside, and the class was full of insanity.

Angel raised her hand while staring at her paper. "I don't get it."

"What don't you get?" Margaret asked.

"How do they make a really big tree into this little piece of paper?"

The class laughed again. Renee jumped up. "Margaret, I really like your hair!" She sat down again and pretended nothing had happened. Margaret blinked.

The class went normally for about all of two minutes. Then Moe raised her hand. "Can I go lie down? I SEE DEAD PEOPLE."

The class laughed again. Frank and Margaret looked slightly disturbed, and Amanda started clapping at a steady beat. The rest of the class clapped as well, and then Amanda started singing opera.

Everyone laughed once Amanda finished her debut.

Biology finished and Hawkeye and B.J. walked in, and turned out the lights so the tent was completely dark with the flaps rolled down. They turned on two flashlights and Hawkeye shone his at Scorch while B.J. shone his at Tawny.

"Name! Rank! Serial number! Now!" Hawkeye said.

"Macy Geralds, Captain, US19563785!" Scorch jumped up.

"Tawny Williams, Captain, US38710369!" Tawny jumped up too.

They turned off the flashlights and turned the lights back on. B.J. wrote a number on the board that he'd nabbed from one of the juniors' planners as Hawkeye said, "You'll need this."

Sabrina flipped through her planner and found one of the motivational ads. "That's suicide prevention hotline…"

Scorch laughed with Tawny and the rest of the class. Tawny raised her hand.

"Yes, matey?" B.J. asked before growling.

"I'm stretching."

Tawny put her hand down as Bookie started humming. Hawkeye looked at her. "Are you humming?"

Renee started humming as Bookie said, "No." B.J. then looked at Renee. "What about you?"

Scorch started humming. Renee shook her head. B.J. and Hawkeye about lost their minds until the class started laughing.

"Well, for this class, you will need the entire Encyclopedia Americana." Hawkeye said.

Scorch stood up, walked up to the front of the class, and faced the empty space next to B.J. "Can I go get my medicine for hallucinations?"

B.J. noticed that Tina wasn't paying attention. "Tina? WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!"

"So the rhino did go to the beach with the elephant?" Tina replied. "Did you want us to get that thing, by the other thing, that had the stuff on it, over there…well, did you?"

"What thing…?" Hawkeye asked.

The class laughed. The IPC continued in this insane manner until Scorch and Tawny suddenly stood up and pointed at Hawkeye and B.J. "You ruined Christmas!" They yelled before running out of the room.

Hawkeye and B.J. dismissed the class a few minutes later. They found Scorch and Tawny laughing it up in the officers' club.

"Okay, you two, how did you come up with all of that class sabotaging?" Hawkeye asked. "Not even I was that bad."

"You'd be surprised how much people underestimate us. They think we're nice." Scorch said.

"I thought you were docile. You even acted relatively okay during the nursing class…" B.J. said.

"You scare me." Hawkeye said.

"Part of our charm." Scorch replied while taking a swig of Nehi. She pushed her feet up onto the table. "Hey Tawny?"

"Yeah Scorch?" Tawny replied as Hawkeye and B.J. got two martinis.

"What do you think we should do next class…?"

* * *

Me and my classmates actually have done a lot of this stuff in class... The teachers thought we were nuts. Yay us! Oh, and for the Spanish in this chapter, Tawny said "But we are." and Scorch said, "Yeah, but they don't know that." (I'm still learning- if any Spanish I use in this story is wrong and somebody notices, tell me and I'll fix it.)

Review!


	7. Jackets and Blackmail

Alright, alright, alright, I know it's been forever and a day since I've updated, and I'm sorry. First I had no time, then I lost my password, then there was no time again. But here it is, the long awaited update!

* * *

Scorch trudged through the rain, annoyed. She walked into the mess tent and saw Tawny there.

"What's up?" Tawny asked.

"The sky and the rain-producing clouds."

"Really?"

"… Shut up."

"What's bugging you?"

"Life."

"Homesick?"

"No."

"Stubborn?"

"Tawn, are you on something? Rain get to your brain?"

"That rhymed."

"My head hurts."

"How bad?"

"Not too bad. I'm just tired."

"How about we stop rambling and get something to eat?"

"Okay."

They walked into the mess tent, grabbed some food, and sat down.

Scorch tapped her bread against the mug. It made a clang. Tawny peered at her potatoes.

"I think they growled at me."

Scorch leaned over, also peering at the potatoes. "I wouldn't be surprised."

Hawkeye ran in, soaked to the bone.

"My God, Hawkeye, why are you so wet? Why didn't you wear a jacket?" Tawny asked.

"I didn't know it was raining." Hawkeye replied through chattering teeth. "Not to mention Frank stole my jacket."

"Frank stole your jacket? Why?" Scorch asked, getting up and grabbing a blanket before handing to Hawkeye.

"Probably lost his."

"Well, we'll just have to steal it back now, won't we?"

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Tawny asked.

"Depends, what are you thinking?"

"What are _you _thinking?"

"A thievery."

"Thievery is a big word…"

"Hush. Come on, Planmaster-" Scorch lightly elbowed Tawny. "Draw up a plan."

Tawny thought. And she thought some more. "If we deliberately steal it, he may find out."

"True."

"We could just get him to give it back."

"Honestly, what are the odds of that happening?"

"Not good, whatever they are."

"Exactly."

"So, how are we to-"

"We could just bribe him into giving it back."

"I would prefer blackmail."

"Blackmail it is."

"I suppose we should go find some, then…"

Hawkeye cut in. "Look no further."

Tawny and Scorch looked at Hawkeye.

"You know Frank and Margaret's affair, right?"

"Yeah…" Tawny seemed suspicious.

"Compose a letter to his wife. Radar can forge his signature well enough. Tell her about his and Margaret's… revelry."

Scorch gave an evil grin. "To the typewriter!"

---

"Radar, we need the typewriter." Scorch said as they walked into the front office.

"Yeah, you need to compose a letter to Frank's wife." Radar said as Scorch said it.

"And then we need you to forge his signature." Tawny added.

"Forging?! Uh uh, no way, don't you know that's _illegal_?" Radar exclaimed.

"Radar, Radar, Radar, our little bespectacled friend, do you need anything in particular these days?"

"Yeah…" Radar said suspiciously. "There's a new Superman comic comin' out, but I'm not going into Tokyo for a while…"

"Say no more, Radar, we'll get our hands on that comic if you do what we ask now." Scorch placated.

"Well, alright… What do you need to write?"

Scorch started pacing around the front office as she spoke. "To my dear wife, uh… what's his wife's name?"

"Louise."

"To my dear wife Louise, comma, paragraph, I finally managed to get a hold of the typewriter here at camp. I have something to confess to you, and it has been nagging me for days-"

"Much like she has, I suppose." Tawny cut in.

"Shush, Tawn. Period at the end of days, Radar. I have decided to come clean with you because you are my wife, period. I have been having an affair here in Korea, period. And it first it may have been the flesh wanting but now, who knows? For I have found myself falling in love with her when I married you, period."

"Pure gold." Tawny butted in.

"And now I wish there was a way that I could remain married to you and marry her, comma, for I dearly love you both, period. You may wish to divorce me and take the house, our money, and the cars, and you may if you desire, for you have good reason to, period. New paragraph, yours truly, and put his signature in."

Radar pulled the paper out and Tawny and Scorch looked over it.

"Perfect." Scorch said. "Go ahead and sign it, Radar."

Radar signed it and put it in an envelope, putting Frank's home address on it and handing it back to Scorch and Tawny.

"Rare, red ruby, Radar." Tawny said. "And don't worry, we'll get that comic!"

Scorch and Tawny ran out the door.

---

Scorch and Tawny ran into B.J. on their way to the Swamp. He was all dressed up, looking as if ready to go somewhere.

"Going somewhere?" Scorch asked.

"Tokyo, three days. I got some leave."

Tawny cut in. "Can you do us a favor? Radar did a favor for us but now he's expecting the new Superman comic in exchange for his forging services."

"Any you want me to get the comic, let me guess?"

"If you would be so kind…"

"Say no more, consider it gotten. No go get Hawkeye's jacket back from Frank, he's shivering."

Scorch and Tawny ran off. "Thanks, Beej!" Scorch called over her shoulder.

The two ran into the Swamp to find a shivering Hawkeye and Frank nestled in what was probably Hawkeye's jacket.

"Frank, why don't you give that jacket to Hawkeye, he's freezing from the rain." Scorch suggested.

"No." Frank said and nestled a little further into the jacket.

"Let me rephrase that, how about you give that jacket _back _to Hawkeye, he's freezing from the rain."

"It's my jacket, not his!"

"Frank, it says B.F. Pierce on the collar." Tawny replied.

"Well, it's mine now." Frank did his funny little sneer and nestled further.

"Okay, well how about this for motivation to return the jacket?" Scorch began quoting the letter from memory.

Frank's eyes widened and he looked at the two. "You wouldn't _dare_ send that letter off."

"Oh, we would."

Hawkeye began laughing. Frank looked at all three of them and began taking off the jacket. "Insubordinate idiots blackmailing me all the time…" He threw the jacket at Hawkeye, who caught it and put it on.

Tawny held up the letter and ripped it in half. "See what goodness comes out of doing nice things for other people, Frank?"

"You- You- You- _Guys!_" Frank turned tail and left.

---

Three days later…

Tawny suddenly ran into the Front office with Radar's comic in her hand. "B.J. just got back from Tokyo, and figured you might want this."

Radar's eyes widened and he grabbed the comic, eagerly searching the pages.

"So, can we expect your help in a crisis again?" Tawny asked.

"Yeah." Radar mumbled, wrapped up in the book.

"Any crisis at all?"

"Yeah."

"Absolutely."

"Yeah."

"Good, because knowing us, we may take you up on that sooner than you expect…"

* * *

And there you go! Well, if you would like to see our insane crew put into a certain situation, then tell me. I'm open to ideas. Also, I write what would happen if they were in the episodes as well, but I can't find a good source for all of the MASH episode transcriptions (Mostly just who said what, major actions, and any major background noises). If you know a good place that has the episode lines and who said what so I don't have to transcript everything by hand and makes updates even _longer_ coming, then tell me. The next episode I need ASAP so I can get started on it is "Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler?".

Anyway, now is the time to click that handy little button below these words.... And the next update will come faster, I promise!


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